I CALLED HER CARMENSITA

You got out of the taxi in obvious haste
Phone by your left ear
Beautiful hair spilling out of your green baseball cap
In that instant I knew I had to speak to you
Because for weeks I told myself that I would
Like last Tuesday when you were going to the library
Or the Friday night you went out with your friends
Conversations I had had with you in mind where I was witty & charming stayed right there….. in my mind
So when I saw you again on that depressing afternoon that only you made better, I knew I wanted people to call you by my name
I said hello and asked what your name was
Then you spoke
Believe me, I had heard Mozart & Beethoven
I had even heard Akua Naru speak
But I had never heard anything more soothing
The calm of your voice made my whole body shift genre
For months we were inseparable
Getting to know you is still one of the best decisions I have ever made
Your will & drive reminded me of Nana Yaa Asantewaa
You showed me Queen Amina of Zaria through your grace
Your loyalty and dedication spoke of Winnie Mandela
Your intellect could only be from Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti
You were your own boss
An excellent polymath
Easily the wisest woman I had ever met
I asked you to let me make love to your soul
You said when you heard love was in the air, you held your breath until your vision blurred
So when you told me you loved me too, I concluded that me & my fragile libido did nothing to deserve you
You were more than just a walking vagina
You were my dentist
The lecturer I envisioned when I jerked off
The ex I had been fucking other women just to get my mind off of
You were simply Heaven
Pure, unadulterated perfection moulded into being
So this
This was all on me
I messed this one up all by my myself

I treated you worse than strangers
Now I realise that this is why: There is nothing my lack of self worth loves more than a beautiful woman who does not know that she is beautiful
Because I knew you were oblivious & I’m used to playing predator
So I broke you into unrecognizable pieces
Reassembled your original source code & created a backdoor that only I knew existed
It was like I put you in a cold, empty box that only I had the keys to
And once every month I would show my face & hope you were grateful for that
I was aware that the air down there was very dense, yet I held your neck & forced you to breathe for both of us
I made you suffer from a heart you did not even break
Because it was obvious that the fixer in your love-addicted self would always be there for me & I relished in that thought
I did not know how not to lie to you
To me, lying was not about morals or values
It was not even about you or the enmeshment that kept me from loving you
Me lying was primarily about controlling your reality, hoping that what you did not know would not hurt me
You loved me in spite of myself but it only made my disease blossom into mould
You let me in and all I did was let you down
Now I am glad you knew better
I see that you found better
Someone else to occupy the space I wasted
Who has shown you that you were never meant for the sorta-kindas you dated
I wish I could tell you that it was not your fault
That you were
Are
Undoubtedly the best human being I know
That I love you
But the sad thing is
I don’t even remember your name

# A F I A

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