I am the weirdo who is scared to wear revealing clothes because then her scars would be seen
The receptionist that smiles at you with a hearty good morning no matter how bad the day really is
The traumatized girl who still carries a Swiss army knife in her purse after 7 years
I am her…
I am the jock who mistreats every other girl who has tried to care about him because he swore to himself never to get hurt again
The no-nonsense CEO who’d rather drown himself in his work than allow his unfortunate reality to consume him
The once-rich-now-homeless family- forsaken guy who cuts himself to tally his emotional pain
Yes. I am him…
I am the umbra in an eclipse
I am the burnt orange in the sunset
I am the chaos after a hurricane
I am the peel that’s been tossed away
And a lot more

I have cried…. easy-going, just-came-to-gloat, you’re-not-getting-out-of-this-one-alive kind of tears that came wrapped in a skintight, clingy, no-other-friends-having kind of fear
I yelled and kicked and punched the walls
And for the first time, i was glad that i live alone
Yesterday i argued with God that i was too broken to be fixed, even by Him
Becoming too accustomed to pain, I put locks on my past
Bricks up my heart
And latex on places that they stabbed
I have seen the knives go in slowly and snap with aggression
Heard the laughter and back pats that followed
Felt that blood that brew within
Licked the hotsprings that hang from my face
I do not know the last time i was truly content
I do not know when the next time will be
I am not clairvoyant
Neither am i that hopeful to be honest
“Generally mutually exclusive or not,for me, pain and life have shared a bunk bed for a while”, I told him
He gave a knowing sad smile, “the broken are more evolved”
She turned to me and asked if a believed him
“At this point, it doesn’t really matter. We all wear our pain differently”


4 thoughts on “DEAD INSIDE

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