I laughed, ” God have mercy on my future husband”. That was way before I started wondering if God even had a future husband for me. The idealist in me knew that even with men out numbering women by more than 66 million since 2016, apparently some of us will never get married so here I was lying on my shabbily laid bed with my multicolored hair obviously in need of care thinking about how many you’re beautifuls I’ve heard this week and how many of them I actually believed. Before I bore you with plenty nothings about my self consciousness, here is an open letter to my future husband
Baby, like you’ll soon find out, there is nothing effortlessly beautiful about this picture. I’m not perfect. I do not have a zero body count. I do not have thousands of followers on my social media pages. I do not watch what I eat. I do not even have the best taste in friends. I don’t love myself as much as I’m supposed to. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.
And instead of finding and appreciating myself, I dated little carbon copies of you. I say little because i know they can only hold a candle to your a part of you. Like warm ups to a game. Now I feel like I need a fuck boy avoider app because I am so ashamed that I allowed them to find their masculinity from up underneath me. A cheat, a liar, an abuser and a thief, trust me, I’ve seen them all.
But I was so scared of being alone that I’m only 20 years old and I’ve spent 6 years of my life back to back in relationships. Always trying to carve “the one” out of sorta kindas. Oh you know, sorta kinda wrong but sorta kinda right.
And I know I did that because I needed a sense of closure. I was a slave for the attention and I was so good at hiding the the depth of the pain that lies within that it only looks like vacuum to the next man. Waking up everyday already wishing it was over. I began to use one form of pain to lessen another and soon the numbness that I got as a result drove me into an existential crisis. I won’t even lie, I stopped taking God seriously after what happened last year so I really hope that you’re praying for me because I know that the only thing that is keeping me now is the fact that I am the child of a praying mother.
Understand that I am telling you all that to tell you this. I will wait for you. I am tired of the games. Tired of reasoning with deaf ears. Tired of foolishly investing in relationships that left me with nothing but heartaches, a lower self esteem, a lighter bank account. I will no longer eat at that table because I realize now that I am allergic to the bullshit
I’ve made mistakes. You’d be surprised at how many. But it took months of moping for me to realize that I am not damaged goods. I have been refined. Renewed to be a queen that only a king like you deserve.
Like always, there’s gonna be those whose minds have not grown past their conservatism. To them, I’m still the person I was 3 years ago. It’s always going to be a never ending cycle of me trying to prove myself as a different human being. And that’s okay. But that’s one reason why I hope we’ve not already met.
Honestly I wish you’d be here soon. I’m sure by now you’re getting over 2000 likes on your recent picture of you and my temp. Lol don’t get comfortable. I’ll see you in a couple of years.
I don’t expect you to be perfect either. If I were to describe you I’d say you’re like the sun. Because I’d get energy simply from the light that you’d shine on me. Because I’d want you around when I’m cold. Because I’d desperately need you for both my mental and spiritual photosynthesis. I’d love the authenticity in your integrity. Your wisdom will remind me of Solomon. Your faith in God will remind me Abraham. Your ability to lead will remind me of Joseph. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your grace will remind me of David. Your selflessness will remind me of the apostles. But your ability to love me unconditionally will remind me of Jesus Christ Himself. So please hold this golden egg with baby bird hands and never let me fall. God has made me for you alone and like an often misunderstood poet, you’re the only one who can fully appreciate me. A real Ephesians 5 man for the Proverbs 31 woman that I will be. In my mind you’ll be the most thoughtful person I’d ever know. You’d have to be considering the fact that you’re the only person I can proudly say gets me without me parting my lips. I love how our goals have been architecturally intertwined in this empire that we will build together. Let us be an improved embodiment of what we want our children to be. Let us spoil them with the word of God and never leave them guessing who Jesus is. Let us have our “just because” moments. Because I know that only our relationship can give me life with no parole.
Until then, I’m just gonna keep on lying on my bed, scrolling down tweets under my double chinned RBF, fantasizing about how I’ll wait for you.
# A F I A
- Existential crisis: An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. It is commonly tied with depression and/or a feeling of a lack of purpose in life
- Moping: feel dejected and apathetic.
- Conservatism: commitment to traditional values and ideas with opposition to change or innovation.
- RBF: resting bitch face