THE LOST ONE

She looks at me

From the sofa across mine, she looks at me

Her eyes, though almost imperceptible through the rim of her navy blue Ray Ban glasses, are blank

Somewhere in between heartwarming and ice cold

It’s hard to tell if i can trust her

Because the question she just asked was the same as yesterday’s and that of the day before that and that of the day before that

I think of history 

And what trusting people did to me

I lie down

My wrists sleep on top of each other at the back of my head

My legs, on one arm of the sofa

My body is in the room with her

But my mind…

My mind wanders on a journey of it’s own

My thoughts team up in a successful attempt to antagonize me

They engulf me until I’m drowning in an ocean not of this world

The water swishes around my feet as i struggle to move

It fills up my nostrils 

I cannot swim 

I have no idea how

I’m in skin deep

Trying to stroke as hard as i can

But my arms are getting tired

The current pulls me down

I’m drowning 

I think to myself 

I’m dying

 I hear a voice 

Calling out to me as though it was but its last words as i sink deeper into the swirl

But the energy with which the words are spoken cause a ripple that gives me the hope of rising 

The surface, empty and vast, confuses me

I look up and see her face

I’m back in the room 

I never left

But i did, didn’t I?

She repeats the question and for a moment, shadows creep up behind me

But the words force themselves out of my mouth right before i decide not to open up to her

Like freshly made custard, they fall with so much ease

I answer

I don’t look at her because i can’t 

I tell her that life has never been more real to me than now

I tell her how I’ve turned my heart into a catacomb that only saw the dead bodies of my experiences 

I tell her how i use my voice and my words to comfort hearts that weren’t mine

How i thought mine would heal with time

How i leave my room every morning with a disguise because i can’t watch myself get hurt before another sunrise

I explain how i hoped for someone to make me feel like i was worth it so that i didn’t have to murder my soul to resurrect my dying self esteem and hinder me from laying with other faceless figures 

I let her know i seldom feel beautiful in this body

My big

Fat

Beautiful brown body that i have to fight everyday just to love

I whimper

I want to tell her how a single incident has caused a turbulence that has submerged me into a quagmire of hopelessness

How i tried to end it all with a single gulp

Because the emptiness that came with the darkness had beaten me to a pulp

I want to tell her

But i don’t

I look

Her rosy cheeks lift up the corners of her boldly painted lips in a smile

“It’s about time;

Of all the days we’ve spoken,

I’m surprised you chose today to open up”, she says

I smile back

” I’ve lost my charm then, I guess”

                          🔱A F I A🔱

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17 Comments

  1. I liked it. There were parts where I suspect some readers wouldn’t really know what’s going on…

    I really like stuff. Especially when it comes together at the end. The poetry of words is something I really like about your writing though, I’m not too good at doing that myself, so I’m always amazed when I see others do it.

    Keep it up Winnie

    Liked by 2 people

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